For the past week, I have been struggling with people in general.
No, it had absolutely nothing to do with the people, but everything to do with my heart.
I started to see people as a burden.
Annoyance, really, rather than burden, and didn't want to do anything to do with them.
So I hid myself. Away from people, for 24 hours.
I thought that did the trick, but it didn't.
Today, at open chapel, I felt it coming back to me.
I was seeing people laughing, having fun, and thought to myself
"Why are they so happy? Where do their source of joy come from?"
I was bitter. I was so bitter to the point where I wanted to get out from the chapel room and just go home.
Run away, to isolate myself from people again.
Maybe this time for 48 hours, maybe for the whole week. Who knows?
I was thinking about leaving as soon as praise was over, but before the message was over, God spoke to me.
"David, do not seek love in your life without falling in love with Me first.
Why do you want to love others when you don't even love ME?"
I was confused.
"But, I love You, God," I told him.
"No, you don't" was the given response from Him.
Then it hit me; do I REALLY love him?
are my source of joy, hope, comfort from God or from people?
God told me "fall in love with Me."
After chewing on what God revealed to me, I realized my love for God has grown cold.
It might have even disappeared.
So what about all the things that I did? Being a SJ, serving in praise team, serving in DPD?
Did I not do it out of my love for God?
I thought I did.
You see, all the things that I've done were things that pleased myself.
To fulfill my own satisfaction, not to please God.
Then what DO I have to do in order to fall in love with Him?
This was the question that I had to rethink over and over again.
How in the world do I fall back in love with God?
What must I do in order to fall back in love with God?
Oh, I know, I should read the Word, pray, QT, praise, worship, etc...
I was simply listing things on top of my head, and while sharing with my roommate Eric, I realized that all those practical things can be obligations.
You see, when we fall in love with someone, we don't call them or spend time with them out of obligation.
We don't do those things to show them that we love them, but we do it simply out of love.
Same thing with God; those practical things that I've listed earlier, I was afraid I would do them out of obligation.
Then Eric shared something that opened my eyes.
In order to love someone, we need to get to know that person.
We don't fall in love with someone without knowing that person.
We go on date, spend time together, get to know that person, and then, slowly, fall in love.
In order to get to know God, we need to find Him.
So, where can I find Him? In the Word.
Wait... Am I contrasting myself?
Didn't I just say that reading the Word can be something I would do out of obligation?
That's the tricky part. You can think of it this way.
You reading the Word to prove to God that you love Him vs You reading the Word in an excitement of knowing Him.
Not so contradicting anymore eh?
Going deeper, reading the Word to get to know God has everything to do with humility.
It shows that I am denying myself and my ideas that I have of God and restarting to get to know him even more deeper.
In the Bible, it says "... the Word was God." (John 1:1)
Falling in love with God has much to do with falling in love with His Word.
This was a rather long entry (probably the longest one I've ever posted or will ever post), but this revelation that has given to me today was far more than what I just simply posted here.
I hope in the next however long amount of time I take in order for me to fall in love with God, that I would get to be known by God.
"it's not going to be a quick fix" but I will keep sanctify myself in order to fall in love with Him.
"But whoever loves God is known by God."
-1 Corinthians 8:3
